There is an old fable. I don’t know its source but it feels old. It goes like this:
One sunlight morning there were two fish swimming together in crystal clear water. Coming towards them from the other direction was another fish. This one was older than them. It was gnarled , scarred, had missing scales and damaged flesh. It had clearly been around for awhile. “How do you like the water?” it said as it passed.
The two fish swam on for awhile. Then one turned to the other and said: “What is water?”
This tale depicts the lives of human beings. We swim in water we cannot see. It is so “natural” to us we don’t notice it is there. There are many words for this “water”. Some call it a “world-view”, some call it your “paradigm”, some call it your “culture”. Whatever it may be called it all points to the same phenomenon: we live within something which informs and defines us, determines how we see things, tell us what is important and unimportant, and most of all tells us how we should think and feel. And we do not see that we are being “told” these things.
One thing that starts to make us aware of the action of our world-view is when acting according to its dictates no longer works. Something happens that temporarily pulls us out. I imagine the old fish got caught but managed to get away. In that brief time out of the water, held on the end of a line or maybe on the bottom of the boat, the fish knew something that wasn’t water and so, for the first time, had a perspective on what water was.
Conflict with our partner can help us see our water. Unhappiness with our self can help us see our water. A good therapist can also help you see your water. But unlike the fish for whom there is no substitute for the water, we can learn to create our own water, a water which will serve us better in living a more meaningful and fulfilling life with our self and with our partner.
The job of a good therapist is to help you create your own water.
