There are many different approaches to couple therapy. Some are very “model-driven” in that they teach a methodology for how to interact. For example, learn to “mirror” your partner’s feeling and take turns doing this. These models are useful in giving a picture of what a good relationship might look like. The problem is in following the model when you’re in an emotional mess, when you’re upset or angry. Then all of us revert to old patterns and we just cannot “trust the model”, we cannot follow the instructions the model provides.
My approach to couple therapy is not model-driven. I work with clients as they are when they are at their worst. I want to understand the forces which drive them to be “at their worst”. I want them to go deeper into their thoughts, feelings, and experience to better understand the things which drive them. Each person in a partnership will be triggered by their partner’s feelings and behaviours. We most usually simply want our partners to change what they do to trigger us. “If only you would stop blaming me I would get so angry”, for example. But this approach puts all the power in the hands of our partner. It also deprives us of an opportunity to learn about ourselves. For example, what is it about me or in me that causes me to get so angry when I’m being blamed for something?
We can learn to use the places these triggers take us to better understand our selves. Out of that understanding and increasing awareness we can learn to make new choices, giving us more power in our lives. This will better serve us in achieving the kind of relationship we most desire.
